Something Is Squirrelly Here!
Posted: Friday, November 09, 2007
by Deirdre Reilly
Exhausted Rapunzel
The relationship between people and wild animals has always been an interesting one, and it has usually been pretty lopsided – wild animals look at us, and we run. Not much give-and-take to that relationship. Of course, there were fictional man-beast relationships that were mutually beneficial; Flipper and Gentle Ben come to mind. On the domestic animal side, Lassie was in a class all by herself, having the talent of being able to bark out, “Hey June Lockhart, over there baking yet another pie – Timmy lost his marbles again helping an old hermit, and is trapped in the mineshaft! I’ll go on ahead, turning about every fifty feet or so to bark in the wind, and have my fur ruffle nicely! Come on, June Lockhart, hurry! No time to crank up the phone!"
Recently, nature came roaring into my house in the form of a baby squirrel, who apparently dropped down our chimney and climbed up onto my twenty-one year old’s leg while he was sleeping. This squirrel was sitting there no doubt wondering why the twenty-one year old wasn’t studying, when my son woke up and looked down to see a baby squirrel lounging on top of him. I guess we should have gone to the zoo more when he was little, because he reported the squirrel as a “gigantic mouse or a freaky-looking bat" when he flew upstairs, white as a sheet, to come get reinforcements. Sadly for him, reinforcements consisted of his mom and his eight-year-old brother, upstairs in their PJ’s very far away from all nature, just as God intended. We all crept back downstairs, clutching each other and squealing in anticipation of initial eye contact with a bat/mouse. We needed weapons, of course, so I carried a Swiffer mop, my eight-year-old carried a roll of Christmas wrapping paper – yes, it takes me a solid ten months to put things away – and my oldest son carried a miniature plastic hockey stick. After searching mainly with our eyes pinched shut for twenty minutes or so, no dangerous wildlife was to be found, so we trucked back to bed, only to be summoned again by my eldest son’s screeching, “Here he is! He’s in the lamp!" Sure enough, the baby squirrel was staring at my son – no doubt wondering why my other son away at college didn’t call home like he said he would – with unbelievably huge eyes in proportion to the rest of his face. (The squirrel’s official motto: “We grow into our eyes.") He had scaled a floor lamp, and was hanging on at the top for dear life. This hanging on and staring routine we of course took as a direct threat of imminent bodily harm, and so we proceeded to scream, just at the mere act of locating the wildlife.
I intended to Swiffer him to within an inch of his life, so I approached, heart pounding wildly, my scared face reflected in the squirrel’s giant eyes. My older son suggested chasing him into the potted plant underneath him, while my youngest son suggested capturing him and petting him and sleeping with him every night. We decided the potted plant scenario was best, so while I murmured, “Watch out for rabies!" we edged in on him. He stared at us, no doubt wondering why I am still doing all my sons’ laundry, and he suddenly flew by us and we screamed like teenagers in a Halloween movie. Now, our combined height is almost sixteen feet, we can do math and drive cars, but we were shaken to our cores by a teeny little animal who’s only talent is eating nuts and falling down chimneys. Had we seen him in a pet store, we would have named him Mr. BushyTail the First, but here in our family room he was All That Is Scary About Nature – Incarnate.
We finally captured him in an elaborate series of moves involving the potted plant, an afghan, and more screaming, and dumped him into the yard, where he scampered away, nearly thrown off-balance by the weight of his own eyeballs. The next morning I passed a group of little squirrels who seemed to be acting out a little skit right on my lawn, imitating three terrified humans. “That’s okay, at least me eyes are regular-sized," I sang out, proud of my quick comeback. It’s nice to be the superior species!
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Top-level comments on this article: (3 total)Deirdre, great story! Had me laughing out loud! It's funny how people react to animals in the house. Love your writing, keep up the great work!Hi James, Thanks for the nice comment! It is funny how we freak out when we see an animal "out of context." Thanks again! Deirdre
This is just great! I love your sense of humor. I'm with your younger son, though. I would want to keep it as a pet. My husband isn't really to fond of that, though. He made me get rid of the four foot long bull snake that it took out of my neighbors yard for her. There was a lot of yelling and screaming during the process (not from me) which I am sure annoyed the snake no end. Once again, great article, very descriptive and well written.Thanks Dianne, You're braver than me!!!! Thanks for writing - I'm so glad you liked it. Regards, Deirdre
Hi Deirdre, you had me laughing all the way through, I couldn't wait to get to the end and then I was sad when it ended. Thanks for the laugh! Teresa
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